i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize