i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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