I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
