Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
