Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
