Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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