He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
