You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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