Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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