i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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