i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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