Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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