I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
