In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
