Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
