ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
