Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
