Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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