This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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