6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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