just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
