i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
