Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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