my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Randomize
