I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
