Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
