im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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