Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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