So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
