Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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