Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
