yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize