I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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