Will you blow on my dice?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
