Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
