Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
