Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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