So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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