Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
