Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
