for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
