what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
