My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The air was thick with penises
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
