Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
