Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
