We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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