Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
