Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
