im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We left an ass print on the piano.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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