There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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