Fine. I'll sleep in my office
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
