1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
