o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
