3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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