Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
