please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i've created a new STD.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
